Emotional bonding is how we, as humans keep each other alive and how we get our needs met. When your child is uncomfortable, hot, hungry, distressed or anxious, it’s going to tap your emotional bond with your child on the shoulder to do something to help. This is a normal part of being human! If it didn’t work this way, there would be nothing in you to protect your child and our species would die. Not awesome.
Part of growing up is watching your child learn that they can protect themselves. You would have already noticed this as they move from “my safety is my mom/dad” (when mom/dad has consistent and reliable responses to baby’s needs) to “my safety is my blankie” to “my safety is me.” As they graduate through these stages, your parenting style graduates too from being 100% depended on, to simply being a support when called on.
As they step back in dependence on you (normal and healthy), you step back in solving everything for them (normal and healthy). Children and teens need this experience to prove that they can take safe risks and be better for it. That they can do hard things, fail and only then succeed. That if something doesn’t work out as planned (read: fail) that they are still worthy and resilient and whole. Failure doesn’t mean you suck. Failure means you are one step closer to knowing what will work, than you were before the failure. Children need their own experiences to build pathways in the brain around “it was hard and I did it” and “even if I fail, maybe there is still a good outcome”. The brain will only learn this from participating – not from only thinking about participating.
When your child is angry, it’s going to get you really reactive and angry too. When your child is uncomfortable and distressed, you will feel uncomfortable and distressed too. That is how emotional bonds work. Again, this is how we have ensured our survival as human beings over thousands of years. When someone you care about tells you about the passing of a family member, you feel their sadness for a reason. Emotional bonds are triggered for a reason and you are moved to help take care of that person, or even take better care of yourself.
Self regulation for yourself can help interrupt this ongoing triggering of distress and discomfort that your child can often trigger in you. Take a mini break from needing to parent if you need it. “I know this is really important for you. I’m going to get a glass of water and I’ll be back to sit with you to figure this out.” And then take a moment to move your body, take deep breaths where you breathe out for longer than you breathe in, and remind yourself you can handle the situation with a believable parenting mantra. Or, if you have an especially fierce and prickly child (which is that fight part of the fight or flight response), “I know you want space. And I’m going to give that to you now. I’m going to be in the kitchen. When you are ready, we can have a chat about this once you feel ready to.”
