Sometimes as adults and as kids, we struggle to the point of going back to a previous developmental milestone, otherwise known as regression, in order to get the comfort from a safe person to help soothe us. It’s actually quite a wonderfully adaptive mechanism that we have as human beings to get the comfort that we need… we just go about it in a way that can seem strange.
For example, you might be having a really tough or overwhelming day at work. When you get home, you crawl into the fetal position and cry there on the couch. Your partner might come over to check if you’re okay and ask if you’d like to talk about it. That’s a space of regressing to a younger developmental milestone in order to get more soothing from somebody that is safe and that can take care of you.
That’s as an adult! As a kid, your child might start wetting the bed again or suddenly forget how to do things that they could do perfectly well last week. Suddenly they’ve gone back two years and they need you to start feeding them, change sheets on the bed, and basically just provide them with a greater amount of clothing and comfort.
Dealing with Regression:
It’s not the end of the world. You might feel like it is because you’re wondering who this kid suddenly is. Remember that this is a pretty adaptive and really normal way of getting the soothing that we’re looking for. Imagine when lying on the couch in the fetal position, your partner asks you what on earth has got into you or ignores you because they think you are acting immature. It just won’t work!
What you can do to help is to get your kid to talk about what they need. Ask them what they’re struggling with or what the worst thing about the situation is. For example, they might let you know that they need a hug or that starting school again after the holidays is hard. Pretty normal for this kind of thing to happen around times of transition.
The more responsive you are to them when they ask for the comfort and receive it, the less they’re going to want to go back and regress to a previous developmental milestone.
There are all sorts of behaviors that might come up so try to stay away from the behavior itself, and rather focus on them needing comfort, safety, and familiarity. Get them to use their words to explain what they need. The more you have this conversation, the more they’re going to feel safe enough to come back to their appropriate developmental age level. And the less you’ll need to change the wet sheets on the bed!
