We talk a lot about unconscious defense mechanisms but we don’t realize it. One of the ones we talk about is denial – it’s a normal unconscious defense mechanism. There’s a couple others that exist too such as regression, repression, projection, and more.
This one is kind of a hard one because it’s uncomfortable – uncomfortable for the person who is projecting and it is uncomfortable for the person who is projected upon. It’s really helpful to remember that it’s not a conscious process. The person is not trying to make you feel bad. If you are the person that struggles with it and you project on to others, you’re not doing it on purpose.
How It Works
Projection is when you can’t manage your own feelings of discomfort and you project on to the other person what you would not be comfortable dealing with yourself but would be comfortable helping them work through.
It’s almost like dealing with the uncomfortable feelings yourself would be far too difficult so you put it on to someone else. You notice it and amplify it in somebody else, and help them manage the feelings or at least point it out in them.
For example, maybe it’s hard to admit that you are highly defensive and aggressive at certain times so it’s easier to point that out in someone else in the room.
This one is a tough one purely because the person does not always understand what they’re doing. They sort of make sense of the fact that they don’t feel good about talking about that part of themselves and that it’s easier to talk about it with somebody else. Keep in mind that if you’re the person who is on the receiving end of issues because of projection, that it’s okay to help the person see that there may be something more that’s going on for them than there is for the person they are talking about.
If you are the person projecting and you’re struggling to catch yourself projecting, take a step back from an argument or discomfort and ask yourself:
1.“What’s going on or what am I arguing about?”
2.“What am I assuming or struggling with? What’s hard about this situation?”
3.”What can I do about it?”
Sometimes you’re going to want to not have that conversation at all. You’re going to run away from the conversation which is totally normal. We all do this at different times and for different reasons, and it’s okay to struggle. It’s helpful to come back to that something when you’re in a calm place to talk about it with maybe a therapist or trusted friend. Someone who is going to help you see that more non-judgmentally as opposed to you judging yourself, and that’s why you’re having a tough time with it.
