Your child easily gets overwhelmed. He climbs further into his lonely black hole of overwhelmedness. And he just sits there, alone and frustrated. You often think to yourself, “how do I know when to push more or step back?” You are trying hard not to enable your child but you just want him to be happy. It is a day to day battle to make it through the day without mass destruction or total mental breakdowns. I hear you mama!
Do you feel desperate for advice, ideas and options? Like you just need some anxiety tools for kids that would help?
If this all sounds like you, then it’s time speak about overwhelm, and the other big feelings your child has. And not like you or your child have ever done before! This is about how to help your child use their words to say what they need to say, and get the help they need. So that you can stay sane and not suddenly explode the next time your child acts out or waits to get home to unleash the dragon. If you think about it, not being able to use your words to say how you feel, is exactly the reason why you feel overwhelmed, frustrated and helpless too. So let’s take a look:
Understanding Your Child’s Explosions
When your child is overwhelmed, it can be hard for you to get through to him. Screaming matches don’t seem to help, and often you both end up in tears. So why is this happening? Well to start, you are a sleep deprived and exhausted trying-her-best mama. Have you even had your coffee today? And no, cold coffee doesn’t count! This happens because everything you think will help, well, hasn’t. You have tried everything. From talking to him quietly in the hope he will open up, to desperately pleading with him and his teachers. You have even had to leave work to collect him early from school. He seems to explode at any minute and there’s no telling how long it will take him to calm down again.
Or maybe for you sweet mama, this all looks different in your house. His meltdowns happen at home, and not at school. A part of you wonders if it has something to do with you. Your child seems to be fine at school, but the minute he comes home, it’s like your child turns into a bear with a sore head. This sweet mama, is because he feels safe at home. Like it’s the one place he can just let go and let off steam. This often is the case, and may be exactly what is happening with you and your child. You are your child’s safety net and punching bag. But you don’t always have to be!
All The Feels
Feelings are tough to explain. They are not taught in schools like the multiple times tables. No homework on how to find joy and happiness. No daily repetition on what joy and happiness even mean. They are not easily understood, even when you search for their definitions! This is because they are different for everyone. They are explained in different ways by different nationalities and cultures. Some languages don’t even have a word for certain feelings! So it’s easy to see why understanding them can be so difficult for children, and adults too.
Understanding feelings is one of the most important basics of emotional intelligence. It’s about your child understanding their own feelings, and understanding others feelings too, and to use that understanding to act and think in a way they choose. When your child tantrums and clenches his fists and stomps his feet without using his words, he has not yet learned how to cope with all those big feelings. The way he deals with it is to get aggressive and kick and scream and dig his heels in. All that acting out and no way to explain what is going on in his mind and heart.
Most adults don’t act this way (notice I said most!). An adult having a toddler tantrum would be inappropriate and people would stare. So adults have figured out a way to bypass the tantrum and awkward stares, and instead use their words to let other know what their issue is and when they need help in fixing it. Not all adults act this way. Truth be told I don’t always act this way! I often try to take control of the situation and figure it out on my own too. I search frantically for the car keys even though I am late for an appointment, instead of just reaching out and asking my husband to help me. I could say “I feel overwhelmed because I can’t find the car keys! Please help me search for them?” or I could get worked up and even more overwhelmed by trying to do it all on my own. I can definitely say that I don’t always choose the more helpful way out here friends – frantically searching for car keys before my husband says “what’s up” is usually my M.O. Note to self: ask for help!
I Feel… Because…
This is one of my favorite ways to help kids find words to say how we feel. It can be a bit of a challenge in the beginning to help your child make sense of this. But once they get the hang of it, it becomes as easy as making a PBJ sandwich! The more they understand themselves, the more they understand their friends, teachers, brothers and sisters and you too. And the better their decisions are about what to do next. Whether that is playing with a friend or not having a meltdown as soon as they get home – they learn how to make better choices for themselves purely because they can really say how they feel and ask for what they want.
