We’ve talked about regulation which often looks like movement and rhythm. This involves dancing, playing, being in nature, mindfulness, and really a whole range of things that you can do to help regulate yourself.
What we haven’t talked about yet is co-regulation – how you can use your nervous system to help calm down someone else’s central nervous system. Oftentimes we are trying to help kids learn how to do that and teach them how to take a breath, when we haven’t been able to take a breath ourselves. Your child might not be in a space where taking a breath feels safe for them, so if you can, step in and show them how to do that.
You might not, as a parent, be feeling ready to do that. You might be feeling distressed yourself or your kid’s distress is registering distress in you and that’s completely expected and normal.
What we’re looking for, is you to have a little more calming confidence about handling the situation and your child. You know that school is not stressful and an unsafe place, but your kid is registering that. If you walk in with that calm nervous system where you’re breathing steady and you are able to stand with your back up straight, you’re going to help them do the same.
So, how do we create a sense of calm?
It’s less about what you need to do and more about how you need to be when you’re helping your kid.
It’s not about walking in there and solving all the problems or smoothing everything out, but about the calmness that you are carrying in your own body, and your ability to show them that everything is going to be okay because you’re in it together. Show them that you understand that they’re feeling worried about going into to school, and that you know that they can do hard things and be okay.
Choose to remain calm:
Choose not to rise to their same level of distress. When you walk in there steady and calm, it will help them become more steady and calm too.
Our calm affects their calm:
The more you send out signals and cues of being calm, collected, and safe, the more they are going to feel calm, collected, and safe in return.
It’s almost like when we’re in a plane and we see the cabin crew stressing out on the jump seat. We then know that we need to be stressing out in our seats too! What is important for us to remember is that other people being calm helps us stay calm too. The exact same thing is true for your kid.
When you’re calm, they are calm.
