Everything is so high stakes to you. From work projects to social interactions, right through to the progress you are making in therapy.
Perfectionism means you cannot relax. You always feel like there is something that needs to be done. You constantly feel like there isn’t enough time and you just feel more and more “not good enough”.
In this article, I’ll share 5 action steps to help you take permission to rest, to find something you enjoy without the need to accomplish something while doing it, and to let go of the need to keep that life long drill sergeant in your head.
Yes, that life long drill sergeant helped you be who you are today. And no, that life long drill sergeant will not take you where you are headed. That coping mechanism has worked to the best of it’s ability. Now, we need to go from drill sergeant to best friend, so that you actually want to spend time with yourself.
These tools will help you feel motivated again. They will help you focus on being the best version of you. You will actually be productive again, all while talking to yourself like you deserve to be talked to instead of criticizing yourself and punishing yourself for trying your best.
These tools will transform your workdays from frustrating and unproductive to productive and fulfilling and it will open your eyes to how self-defeating you have been and how you longer need to be, in order to progress.
So if you are up for the challenge to change what is no longer working for you, then let’s get started:
Growing in self-compassion
If you have awareness that you tend to judge others (using words like “right, wrong, good, bad”), then you also have awareness now that you tend to judge yourself in this exact same way.
Armed with this knowledge about yourself, you can practice your first moment of compassion by having grace with yourself and reminding yourself that you have learned to be judgmental as a coping mechanism.
Here are some starting points for you to consider as you look at being compassionate towards yourself:
Action Step 1: Treat everyone the way you would treat a friend, that includes you
If you could change one thing you do to treat yourself and others with kindness like you would your friends, what would that one action be?
Actionable: who is your best friend? Talk to yourself the way they talk to you.
Action Step 2. You’re a part of a greater whole: common humanity
This is a key component of Dr Kristin Neff’s thinking, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion. It is the recognition that suffering, challenges, and imperfections are shared human experiences.
When you embrace this concept, you acknowledge that you are not alone in your struggles and that we all go through similar difficulties at various points in our lives.
Actionable: accept that your suffering (everyone has their own dose of suffering) has made you who you are today. It’s perfectly normal to come up against difficulty and challenges in your life. You are not isolated or alone in your experience or suffering. Who can you call or lean on right now?
Action Step 3. Taking care of the caregiver
You might be the kind of person who has an open and available heart for others. Where tending to the needs of others is easy for you. A whole lot easier than it is for you to tend to your own needs.
Think about what you feel and what you need. If you feel lonely and you need a hug or connection with someone meaningful, it will be challenging to get you what you need unless you are aware that it is a need to begin with.
Actionable: Turn your empathy inwards today. “Hey Self, are you okay? What do you need to have a better day today?” Don’t wait for an autoimmune disease like MS to force you to turn your empathy inwards. Do it before a medical professional asks you to take better care of you.
Action Step 4. Identify what you want and need.
One of the most helpful tips I received from my supervisor when I went through this healing process was to ask myself, “in a cold and dark room, what do I want and need?” This removed the need to care for others in the room. Your room doesn’t have to be cold and dark – fill it with what you need!
Actionable: know your needs (”in a room on my own, I need …”) as well as you know and understand the needs of others. Visualize yourself completely cut off from others to identify your own needs.
Action Step 5: Supportive touch.
Safe and supportive touch can help active your parasympathetic nervous system by helping you feel calm, cared for and safe.
If you think of all babies when they are born, a warm and loving touch by their primary caregivers provides a soothing and calming effect who are upset or uncomfortable. We are born with this need.
Actionable: Notice if you have a need for loving and safe touch. Then let a safe person know you need a hug. You can also get a massage, find a weighted blanket that works for you or invite your pet up on the couch with you.
Conclusion:
Turn your drill sergeant perfectionism into best friend vibes so that you actually want to spend time with you, and you actually are productive instead of frozen in fear:
Action Step 1: Treat everyone the way you would treat a friend, that includes you.
Action Step 2: You’re a part of a greater whole: common humanity.
Action Step 3: Taking care of the caregiver.
Action Step 4: Identify what you want and need.
Action Step 5: Supportive touch.
