This is a great question because oftentimes kids can feel scared to meet dentists, doctors, therapists, and any kind of professional. Your teenager might say, “I’m not crazy. I don’t want to speak to a therapist.” This is hard when you know they need help. But how do you do that when your child is against the idea of accessing help?
Always be honest.
We definitely want to build a relationship of trust between you and your child or teen. Avoid telling your child that a therapist is, “she’s just my friend”. We don’t want them to find out that I’m actually a therapist, or if the therapist you’re going to see is actually someone who speaks about feelings and then mom or dad kind of didn’t tell them the whole truth.
Here’s a script that might be helpful:
“I spoke with [name of therapist] today and they are a therapist. I told them all about you and how you love football. I also told them how sometimes you struggle with waking up in the middle of the night and wanting to sleep with us instead of your own room. They said they work with kids and teenagers like you all the time, and that they meet with families like ours to help us help you to figure out what’s going on. They are looking forward to meeting you. I want to meet them on [date] and I was wondering if you’d like to join us. Would that be something you would be interested in.”
Or if you have a teenager:
“I spoke with [name of therapist] today and they are a therapist. They are looking forward to meeting you after I told them about what is important to you like your performance on the court. And also how you had your first panic attack this week and how scared you were about that. They work with kids and teenagers like you all the time, and they meet with families like ours to help us help you to figure out what’s going on. I would like you to meet her on [date] and I was wondering if you’d like to join us. Would that be something you would be interested in? … How about you meet them first, and then I promise I’ll respect your decision after that.”
When you have that conversation that way, you’re putting the ball in their court. You’re giving them control. You’re giving them the option by asking if they would like to engage in this process because you think it might be helpful.
What you’re trying to do is help them understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing their best to become the healthiest version of themselves. Sometimes you can relieve the pressure by saying that it’s not only for them and it’s also for you – that you, as a parent, want to learn how to do a better job of helping your teen or your kid be the person that they want to be.
Feeling scared is normal.
Before the first time that you meet, your kid might get a little bit scared. That’s totally normal. We all get scared before the first time that we meet new people and have to dig into hard information and challenging experiences. So normalize that experience and help them know that it is totally normal.
I get nervous before meeting people all the time and I often try and say that to kids and families just to help everyone feel like they’re not the only ones who are feeling nervous. I do my best to make everyone feel comfortable in the situation. Of course, it’s a challenge sometimes as teenagers may not be as talkative with families. But I trust that we’ll figure it out – and this is most often the way it works.
We take it at the same pace that your kid or teen takes it. I’m never going to rush through it. I’m never going to push them for answers. Let your kid or teenager know that if they don’t want to talk about something, I am never going to make them talk about it. That can also be helpful to you.
What can you do before the first session?
Think about what you can do between the time that you book the session and the time that you actually see the therapist for the first time. Think about what your kid’s struggles are from your kid’s perspective, as well as your perspective. Think about what can be done to make a difference between the time you book the session and the time you start. Maybe there’s actually something that you can start doing to help yourself. That’s always a good one to start off with too. Giving them the control again to feel like they’re in charge of the process is always helpful.
Just a reminder that it’s a scary time. You might feel scared that your kids feel concerned about it too. Let them know that it is totally normal for them to feel that way. You can ease their discomfort by saying something along the lines of, “I know you want to fix xyz. I know [their really big struggle] is something that you’d really rather not deal with, and I think Carla/therapist is a great person to help you figure that out. What do you say?”
That’s the conversation you’re looking for.
