Healthy emotional and behavioral development requires a stable relationship with an adult or primary caregiver. What this looks like is five to ten minutes of dedicated one-on-one play time with your kid, or kids every single day.
I know that this is a hard thing to digest. Especially after spending so much time together in 2020 (and after!), being cooped up inside with your kids all day long. This might make it particularly tough to even want to spend time with your kid right now. They might be prickly or aggressive, and you’ve just had enough with all the screaming, biting and slapping. It makes all the sense in the world. It hasn’t been an easy time.
It may be helpful to work towards a relationship where the two of you are able to bond and build trust again. This one-on-one time looks like a consistent time together where you and your kid spend ten minutes together every single day together. Where you’re not taking deliveries, not working or doing anything other than just playing with your kid.
During this time, your kid is leading you and you are following. You lead all other aspects of their life as the parent. This is the one time where they get to be the boss! The rules are that nothing gets broken and no one gets hurt (slapped, punched, or kicked, etc). If that happens, special playtime is over. If that doesn’t happen, special play time continues without interruptions. It is never to be taken away for bad behavior or used as a threat.
What you’re looking for is bonding with your kid. You’re looking to avoid criticisms, so avoid ‘no, don’t do that’ or ‘stop doing that’. If things are gonna fall over or fall off the table let it fall off. You’ll pick it up again. Avoiding criticisms and ignoring misbehaviours is totally a-okay. In the beginning, if your kid is particularly prickly, it’s going to be hard. Start with one minute then work your way up to five minutes every single day.
This will hopefully also remove some of the parental guilt that you have in terms of feeling like you should be spending more time with your kid. There’s so much research supporting that one-on-one time for ten minutes a day is enough for your kid’s social, emotional, and mental health. So much of all that is taken care of by bonding with a special adult or special one-on-one relationship like this.
Try to find a time that works for you and follow that every day. It doesn’t have to be perfect but what we’re looking for is something that your kid can rely on no matter what. If your kid has had a bad day or if you’ve had a bad day, if the two of you have been fighting, we’re still looking for those five to ten minutes regardless. It’s not conditional or if they’ve been a good kid that you have the special play time. No, all of that goes out of the window. It’s five to ten minutes no matter what. So be consistent with it, avoid criticisms, avoid directions and instructions. Catch them doing good, avoid catching them doing bad. We’re looking to praise them with immediate and specific praise. So if they’ve done something kind, helpful, whatever it is, say “good job for doing xyz”. Helping build them up is going to build the relationship between you two up too.
With special one-on-one time, I talk about kids interchangeably for teens and for young kids. I want you to know that kids are kids no matter what age they are. So please know that this is a tool that you can use across the age span. It works for younger kids, older kids, and everything in between.
Give it a shot, stick with it, persevere for at least three weeks and then let me know how it goes.
