According to Dr. Perry in the book, “What Happened to You”, the way to reduce arousal and bring yourself or any person back to perceiving safety around them and wanting to engage with others again, is to regulate, relate, and reason. And in that order.
Regulate: movement, rhythm, music, dance, breathing, grounding, yoga.
Relate: spending time with loved ones and people with whom you have meaningful connections.
Reason: only after spending time regulating and relating, can a person begin to understand their thinking and reason clearly with themselves.
For example, if a person tells you there is no point in life and that they want to give up. You will want to reason with that person about why they are so loved in so many ways. And you will hope for them to see and agree with you and choose to get out of bed for it too. But you have to start with regulation and relating first, before trying to reason. Better to take them for a walk first or listen to their favorite music with them, rather than jump to reasoning with them right away.
Social support for us socially wired beings is so important. “Confidants, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, relatives, spouses, and companions all provide a life-enhancing social net — and may increase longevity. It’s not clear why, but the buffering theory holds that people who enjoy close relationships with family and friends receive emotional support that indirectly helps to sustain them at times of chronic stress and crisis.” When things get hard, isolating and withdrawing from friends and family can be a coping mechanism you turn to. Although it may not always be a great way out for you.
The next time this happens, see for yourself if being on your own is actually helpful for you. It may be helpful to step away for 10 minutes, sure. Then ask yourself if is it still helpful to you, when those 10 minutes of alone time turns into hours or days?
