I realize your child is a bit of an enigma when they are in a full blown panic mode. This will help you understand the neuroscience of what is happening in their developing brain. Just like their brain does what it does to regulate temperature, it will also do what it needs to do to regulate threat and danger.
After explaining this to you, I hope you will see and understand that their school avoidance and angry tantruming is only going to simmer down with trust and connection, and not time outs and “go to your room to think about your behaviors” consequences.
The amygdala is an almond shaped part of your brain. It lights up like a Christmas tree on an ECG when we feel anxious and overwhelmed. Anxiety sends the amygdala into overdrive. It activates the sympathetic nervous system and puts your child in a fight or flight or freeze response. The entire purpose of this is for the amygdala to keep your child safe from danger and death. It’s an evolutionary response to keep us alive, fitting in and belonging in our communities.
A brain with an overactive (and well developed!) amygdala is a brain that is constantly scanning the environment for threats. Once that real or perceived threat is registered by the brainstem, a surge of neurochemicals are released: cortisol, adrenaline, and other stress hormones. This happens to get the body ready to run from danger and hide for safety and self preservation.
When the amygdala prepares the body for (real or perceived – it doesn’t care as it just wants safety) threat, it happens in split seconds. The brainstem does this without the prefrontal cortex – meaning without clear thinking and logical reasoning. This is often why your child associates anxiety with something that you might logically know is safe – but doesn’t feel that way to them. Example – your child may think, “school is not safe”. You know their school is very safe. But for them, the surge of neurochemicals often happens in the mornings before school. Therefore the meaning they assign to it is “school must be unsafe.” We know that school is not the cause of their worry and fears. But rather the meaning they are attaching to school (“the kids will laugh at me”, “they will think I am weird”) being psychologically threatening to their safety of fitting in with the other kids.
The amygdala is positioned near the memory functioning of the brain. The stronger the emotion attached to the school panic, the stronger the memory. The next morning when it is time for school, everything can seem like it is going just fine and them boom. The strong memory and strong emotion sends that unwanted surge of neurochemicals. It is signaled for no reason other than the brain saying, “remember what happened the last time you had school in the morning!?”.
The good – great – news is that the brain can be rewired. The way we do this is by providing your panicking/threatened child with safety through relationship and connection. It’s the best way through.
“I can totally understand why you are scared. You had that truly awful experience where your brain told you to run and hide and not go to school because it wasn’t safe. We know your brain wants to protect you – and sometimes it gets a little overprotective by saying you need to stay away from school. You and I both know that school is actually a safe place. The best way to help your brain relearn that, is by going to school and having fun like you ended up doing yesterday. Do you think you can be brave enough to try again today?”
Your child’s amygdala will learn through positive experiences (it won’t work if you just do it once!) that school is safe only after actually going to school and experiencing safety at school. Lots of worry and fear is normal. It’s a sign that your child is about to do something that needs them to be brave. It also means you need to be equally brave! The answer is safety in connection and relationship. Leaning in rather than checking out.
