Remember to stick to being united in all decisions. So a lot of “we decided” instead of “I decided.” Talk to all kids together, and then check in individually after that. Your child/teen is only going to be thinking of herself. She may have questions like “will I switch schools, will I have to move, can we play with friends at both houses?” It’s okay to not know the answer. It’s okay to say “We are not sure. When we do know, we will tell you.” Helping her understand there is nothing she can do to make you stop being her mom and dad is important. To adults, divorce is super complex. To children, they only understand concrete things and are very ego-centric: it’s all about them!
A toddler has little to no ability to understand events, deeper feelings and the future. Younger kids will pick up on the emotional feel of the room and that is about it. A preschooler is highly dependent (although figuring out how to be independent!) has limited ability to understand cause and effect and future plans, and lives halfway between fantasy and reality. Increasing her ability to talk about feelings will help her emotional intelligence and ability to express herself to you during this and future transitions. Remember that you are constantly preparing her to manage transitions now and in the future. So when you see her crying or sad, ask her “you are crying. Can you tell us how you feel? Why do you feel that way? What can you do to feel different?”
After the conversation you have with kids, be on the lookout for any red flags. Her possible distress (may happen, may not) can include fear, anger, and emotional instability that looks like clinging more, anxiety, whining, or general irritability. Kids may regress and seem to go back to their younger age behaviors and coping mechanisms. This may happen with sleep and eating and usual morning/evening routines. Keep the routine the same and remember those all important points you are trying to convey. Check for inaccurate ideas your child may have (my dad is leaving the house vs my dad is leaving me, there must be something I do will make mom and dad live together again, etc). The way you do this is asking open questions. “How are you feeling today? Do you have any questions for us? Is there anything you want to ask us? What do you think about mommy’s new bed? Why do you think that?” etc.
A common myth is that speaking about this will make it worse. This is simply not true. The opposite is true: not speaking about it makes it worse. Not understanding the transition or chaos will be more a challenge to your child. I know you might want to think it’s a simple transition that doesn’t affect her too much. But kids are little adults. They have feelings and thoughts and behaviors and they react to their environment and the people within it. A big transition is occurring. They need to understand that transition. And be prepared for the next one too. The older they get, the more questions they will have. Be a trusted resource for them to come to so they know they can trust you with getting the answers they need.
Maintain stability in the family home. Have an outlet for kids (sports, therapy, friend playdates scheduled, etc). Teenagers can leave the house. Younger kids cannot! Create options for the kids to look forward to in the future. This helps give them hope and distraction.
The Actual Conversation
It may be several short conversations and not necessarily one big one. Keep it simple and short. Questions will come – keep answers short and to the point. As I mentioned in our session, the three researched things that make a divorce most effective in terms of the children adjusting are:
- The child having a strong relationship with both parents
- Good parenting (the child knows their boundaries – do not use this as an excuse to change boundaries e.g. “kid has had a tough time lately, I’ll let them sleep in my bed.” This only creates a narrative that kids need to sleep in your bed to feel safe, and that they are not safe alone.)
- Minimal exposure to parent’s conflict.
The Main Points (you want them to understand):
- We both love you very much. Nothing will ever change that. We are always here for you.
- We have decided to sleep in different rooms/homes for now. Sometimes moms and dads do that. We’re still your parents. We are still a family.
- There is nothing you can do to change our decision. Nothing you did made us decide this. There is nothing you can do to change it.
- This is a decision we made for our family. We think it is the best decision for us and for you.
If I have missed anything, definitely discuss it and add it or remove it. It’s never going to be perfect! But how you say it will mean the most to them. It’s a transition. And it’s helpful to be above board about. Remember this.
A good marriage takes work. A civil and effective separation (or change in relationship in some way) does too. Be brave. This is a process. Deep breaths, and you know where to get a hold of me if you need to. Let me know if you have any questions.
Carla
Extra Reading Resources:
