Most families don’t know where to start. Start in your child’s own room and home. Kids don’t feel safe in their own home, not wanting to go upstairs alone or sleep alone. They have nightmares and simply cannot sleep in their own bed because of the fear of being alone. Start here. Ask your child where they wish they could go alone in their home. It may even be to go to the toilet. Go with your child to this place and ask them to tell you what scares them. Is it a sound? A smell? After turning over all the “what scares you” stones, ask your child to gradually spend 10-30 seconds longer in this place with you within eyesight, then just around the corner, then with you even further away like downstairs, etc. Little by little, your child will learn that they are safe in their own home.
When you ask your child what scares you, be patient and understanding of their answers no matter what. It may seem ridiculous to you, but to them it is BIG. So keep your eyes on the prize as you explore all the sights, sounds, smells, and fears with them. Once you have debunked their thoughts (“maybe there is a monster hiding there!” “Okay, let’s move the bed and find out.”), you can remind your child: “It’s normal to feel scared before you feel brave. Feeling scared is a sign you are about to feel brave. Who is someone you know who is brave? What makes them brave? Should we ask them if they have ever felt scared? What do brave people feel and say and think?”
When your child attempts even the smallest possible thing, remind them about how brave they just were. And ask them, “what does it feel like to be brave?” They need to build up these brave experiences to build their self-confidence and ability to register, “I am a brave person who does brave things, even though I sometimes feel scared.” Encourage the attempt to be brave – not the outcome of being brave. This is very important as we really don’t care what happens in the end. All we care about is that your child attempted something threatening to determine whether it really was a threat or not. This will help increase your child’s ability to increase their window of distress tolerance.
Direct and immediate praise e.g. “good job” won’t take you as far as “I am proud of you for being so brave by falling asleep in your own bed last night.” This is direct so your kid knows what they did well, and immediately after they have woken up in their own bed the reward of your pride in them was immediate. If you want to up-level this skill, ask them if they were proud of themselves for doing what they did. Because having your parents be proud of you is one thing. But learning how to be proud of yourself is another great gift in this life.
Your child will experience success. They will do something all on their own and then they will say something similar to, “but I only managed to do it because I was distracted.” Help them see that it doesn’t matter what helped them do it – they did it! And this is what counts. Sometimes we have to take many little steps towards a goal rather than one giant step. It’s okay if they used distraction/an iPad/the dog to be brave. Remember -the attempt is what counts.
You already know the deal with screens having a link with increased anxiety, depression, and more recently, even tics. Instead of reducing screens, add in more of something highly interactive. Watch a movie together on a TV that you both watch at the same time. Go out for a picnic at the beach. Get bikes. Do more together.
Be careful with doing too much too soon. Choose one of the above to do only. Wait 1-3 weeks for it to become a habit, and only then move on to the next idea to practice this. This is the biggest hurdle to your success. Do one thing at a time and stop yourself from wanting to make all the changes right away.
