You’re not a bad person, even if in some situations you find yourself struggling with expressing appropriate empathy. I have worked with perfectionists who struggle to manage their empathy and they don’t know why. One professional mentioned wanting to do anything to shut up a crying baby. Anything including hurting the baby to just make her screams stop. This person knew they wouldn’t, but they were surprised by their own thoughts around this situation. Another mentioned they often mock other people in their own head, including their own mother if the mother said something they didn’t like.
If you have experienced early childhood trauma or a non-nurturing environment, you may well have a high capacity for empathy although not necessarily know how to express it. The relationship between these early childhood experiences and the development of empathy can be complex. Here are some important points to help you understand why it is you may also feel incredibly empathetic one minute, and then feel zero empathy the next:
Developmental Factors:
Empathy typically begins to develop in early childhood, and it’s influenced by both genetic and environmental factors. Children who experience trauma and a non-nurturing environment may still have the capacity for empathy, but their ability to express it can be hindered. This is especially true if your primary caregivers struggled with appropriate expression of empathy or if you expressed empathy, but then were chastised for getting involved, etc.
Adaptive Responses:
In some cases, children who are raised in environments where they do not receive emotional support may develop protective mechanisms to cope with their circumstances. This could involve suppressing or disconnecting from their empathetic feelings as a survival strategy. The fear of rejection or punishment for showing empathy could lead to a child learning not to express it. You may not know what to do when someone close to you cries. This can come from not having someone hug you and comfort you with empathy when you were younger, so you don’t know know how to do it “right” now either.
Attachment Theory:
Attachment theory suggests that the quality of early attachments with caregivers can significantly influence a child’s emotional development. Children who do not form secure attachments may struggle with empathy and forming healthy relationships in later life. Trauma and neglect can disrupt the development of secure attachments. Children can often internalize “I’m only loveable when I am doing things well.” This sets up a lifetime of perfectionism and rigid role identification where the adult child is terrified to fail or be spectacularly ordinary when for example, wanting to simply rest on the couch but can’t seem to relax to do so.
Reversing the Effects:
It’s essential to remember that empathy is a skill that can be developed and nurtured throughout one’s life. Therapy and supportive environments can help individuals who have experienced childhood trauma to rebuild their capacity for empathy and emotional connection. You can work on emotional intelligence such as feelings identification within yourself and in seeing other’s facial expressions. You can work on emotional regulation which helps you have a more appropriate expression of empathy instead of feeling so incredibly fused with the other person in one situation, and so incredibly “whatever” in the next situation.
Neuroplasticity:
The brain is adaptable, and its structure and function can be influenced by experiences and environment. While early trauma can have a negative impact on empathy, interventions and therapy can potentially help rewire the brain to enhance empathy. Trauma informed therapy, gradual exposure (the fear of rejection or punishment often is a reason why we hold back on expressing empathy so to practice being vulnerable in this way can help) and pouring into friendships who are more nurturing to you, can all help you rewire your brain around the idea of being brave enough to express empathy.
It is challenging to accept and recognizing that your empathy may have been stunted by your early experiences. Therapy can provide a safe space for you to explore and understand your emotions, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and learn to connect with others in a more balanced and empathetic way. It may be a gradual process, and progress can vary from person to person, but with nurturing support and targeted interventions, positive changes are possible.
Actionables:
- Self awareness: recognize your perfectionistic tendencies and their impact on your ability to empathize appropriately. It’s okay that your high standards make you overly critical towards yourself and others.
- Balance high standards with empathy: not everything has to be perfect as the more you work towards perfection, the less empathy you have. Empathy means you accept imperfections in yourself and others.
- Practice 1 moment of empathy daily: with the delivery guy”I appreciate your hard work, especially in [mention the weather/challenging conditions], and thank you for delivering our package.” with a family member: “I can only imagine how [mention their situation or feeling] must feel, and I’m here to listen or help if you need anything.”
