When kids are distressed, they will create distress in us. This is their job! It is how we all survive and help others survive. This is how we come to be okay and help others be okay too. Kids will always ask for our help! We hold them for them. We use our nervous system to help calm their nervous system.
It is our job as adults to create an environment of safety – both outside of us and because of us. Your presence needs to be that rock in the raging river again. Calm and steady and sure. Have that engaging, caring face vs a neutral, I’m-doing-something-else-actually face. If you escalate and yell and scream and swear, that’s normal. You can calm back down to make space for you to find calm by saying, “I’m getting a drink of water and I’ll be straight back in 5 minutes.” Take breaks. Have heaps of self compassion and remember, “anyone would feel the way I am feeling. Lots of parents feel like this too. I am good enough. I can do this.”
Dr Perry in the book, What Happened To You talks about bringing the brain back online by following these simple steps and in order:
- Regulate (rhythm and movement e.g. walk or pace).
- Relate (connection and relationship)
- Reason (talk about what happened, what needs to happen, redirect)
You may need to practise this yourself as you ask your child to practice it too. The more your child feels like you are in control of your ship. That you are that rock in the raging river, the sooner your child will feel brave enough to take control of their brave selves, and take their next step forward.
