Don’t believe your inner dialogue about yourself when you’re feeling down. It is skewed and unreliable.
You are not your thoughts. This only makes your struggle with overthinking and not believing in yourself worse.
In this article, I’ll share 6 tools to help you talk to yourself like you are your own best friend.
From taking action by starting with just one tool below, these tools will help you grow your self confidence and have trust in your own ability to handle what comes your way – all while feeling like you aren’t sure if you can turn this around.
These tools will transform your bed-time thoughts from “you’re stupid, you can’t handle it, you never could, why did I even think I could” to “you can do this, I have worked hard for this opportunity and I am confident that I can make the most of it” all while actually believing it.
So, if you’re ready to start to have the confidence you want, read on for the 6 practical tools to get you started. Let’s get right to it.
Tool 1: Self-talk awareness
Here are 5 journal prompts for you:
- I spoke to myself like my own worst enemy would speak to me when…
- The kinds of phrases I said were…(e.g. I’m so stupid for thinking I could handle it when I obviously couldn’t.)
- I spoke to myself like my own best friend would speak to me when…
- The kinds of phrases I said were… (e.g. I am capable when I am performing alongside someone I trust.)
- What would my actual best friend – choose a specific friend – say to me in this situation? e.g. “You are incredible and I am proud of your effort.” If you believe that thought too, add it to #4 in your own words: “I am incredible and I am proud of my effort I put in.”
Create a page at the back of your journal for affirmations that are true and based in evidence. Add the phrases you write down in #4 to that page to make up a whole page of true and helpful affirmations that are based in factual information.
Tool 2: Challenging unhelpful self-talk with evidence
Look at what your thoughts and phrases are in #2.
Ask yourself, “is this thought based on concrete facts?” Yes or no answer.
Then, ask yourself, “what evidence do I have to support a more positive interpretation?” Channel your best friend again here, or better yet – lean on a friend to help build you up as you learn to build you up too.
Example: “I’m so stupid for thinking I could handle it when I obviously couldn’t.”
Is this thought based on concrete facts: No. (There is no factual evidence to support I am stupid.)
Evidence: I am not stupid. I did not know what I could or could not handle. I was trying it out as a way to figure out if I could handle it. That’s okay, as that is the best way to learn.
Tool 3: Reread your helpful self-talk daily
Look at that page in the back of your journal daily. This will help you ascribe a positive value to yourself and events.
If you are a more anxious person than most, you likely overestimate the likelihood of negative events and downplay the likelihood of positive events. Moreover, you’re probably going to view negative events as extremely negative (having high value), more so than what might seem reasonable to someone without anxiety. And positive events, as not that positive (having low value).
Example: high value negative event: I am definitely going to fail and because everyone will be there, I will fail in the eyes of everyone who watches me fail me too. Low value positive event: even if I do succeed, anyone can do what I am doing so it’s not that big of a deal anyway.
If negative events seem highly probably and of very high value, while positive ones seem less probable and not that positive anyway, it is not surprising that you tend to veer away from positive self-talk and move toward more probable (at least in your mind) negative self talk and events.
We need to help your brain give accurate value to accurate events and beliefs about your capability. Which is why this page at the back of your journal will help provide affirmations that are based in factual evidence to your brain, to help even out the scales a bit more.
Read and reread this page every day as the last part of your self-talk journaling routine and go back to those statements when you need it or catch yourself having negative self-talk. If you need it, have a copy on your phone so it is always available to you too.
Tool 4: Building a support system of “best friends”
We don’t need you to go out and create a massive group of best friends. We do need you to surround yourself with people who talk to you as if they are your best friends. Meaning they are supportive and encouraging of you and your growth.
Share your goals with a coach or friend, and let them know what you are working on and how. You can ask for extra accountability if you think that will be helpful. One way they can encourage you is a simple reminder of “best friend or worst enemy?” when they see you need a helping hand.
Tool 5: Reflect and Adapt
Self-talk requires intentional practice. Almost like fitness. You don’t just stop and say, “I have fitness now, so I’ll stop going to the gym.” You have to maintain your practice.
You might not always need to journal. This doesn’t mean you won’t need to be intentional about how you talk to yourself. Celebrate your wins, be patient and have grace with yourself when you need more practice and always accept the challenge to grow.
Tool 6: Be your own best friend today.
The more you learn to talk to yourself like your own best friend, the more this will shine through you as you end up talking to others around you in the same way. People will gravitate towards you because you talk better to them than they talk to themselves.
Hold yourself accountable to your goal of better and more helpful self-talk not only because you need it, but your loved ones need it from you too.
Conclusion:
Negative self-talk and talking to yourself like your own worst enemy creates an unhelpful launch pad for self-esteem. Constantly doubting yourself perpetuates a cycle of insecurity which holds you back. Picture yourself having self-talk that is actually supportive to help you be who you want to be. Action these tools, including challenging negative thoughts with evidence and building a support system (starting with yourself!) around you and watch your confidence soar.
